Warnings: Teeny tiny bit of language, strongly “implied” sexual acts (but not graphic, that’s why it’s just R)
Summary: Mostly fluff, post-Azkaban and slightly shorter than I’m used to *shrug* hope you still like it...second installment in the Rent songfic series! Just an FYI, this is for an ongoing project to write a ficlet based on certain lyrics in each song from the Rent motion picture soundtrack.*
Where there’s moonlight, I see your eyes
How’d I let you slip away when I’m longing so to hold you
There’s something I should have told you when I looked into your eyes
Why does distance make us wise?
I should tell you, I should tell you – I have always loved you
You can see it in my eyes
12 Grimmauld Place. 12 Grimmauld Place. 12 Grimmauld Place.
Sirius was right, the house was fighting back ever since the death of the most ancient and noble Mrs. Black, especially against filthy half-breeds like himself. Remus sighed and tried an infamous dueling trick.
Ducks. Chocolate. Sirius. Hogwarts. Full moon. Sirius. Harry. Steak. 12 Grimmauld Place.
The small yard between the two houses before him yawned open and the dark, foreboding house seemed impossibly to squeeze out of the space. The rosebushes underneath the front windows looked vicious and much more alive than anything else on the property, though the leaves were a deep, almost ebony, green and the roses were so dark they looked as though they had been nourished with blood. Remus shivered as he approached the door. No wonder poor Sirius ran away.
Hearing a familiar bark, he looked toward the side yard to see a familiar black dog bounding toward him, and braced himself for the impact. Sirius slowed before he reached the other man, remembering the bruises he had left the last time he had tackled Remus to the ground. The werewolf knelt and allowed the dog to lick his face enthusiastically – though they had been without each other for thirteen years, the three days they had been separated had seemed like an eternity, an eternity that neither one of them was willing to spend alone ever again. Remus laughed,
"Alright, alright, let’s take this inside; if you’re going to kiss me, I want to be able to kiss you back." Sirius in canine form cocked his head as if to say You promise? then thumped his tail as Remus kissed him on the nose.
Opening the door cautiously – last time he had been blasted with a curse upon touching to doorknob – Remus pushed it open, and Sirius trotted in after him. The house looked undisturbed in the three days he had been away, a sure sign that Sirius had spent them in his canine form, most likely on the streets begging for food. Remus shook his head; he knew Sirius had not gone hungry, he was always quite loveable as a dog, but he could only imagine what kind of horrors must have gone on inside these walls to make a man who had lived in hell for the past thirteen years choose living on the street versus a comfortable bed and warm fire. He heard the front door shut and felt Sirius- his Sirius -come behind him, placing his arms around Remus’s waist and resting his head on Remus’s shoulder.
"What, Moony, no kiss hello?" He turned in the comforting circle of Sirius’s arms and pressed his lips to the other man’s freshly shaved cheek.
"Hello, Padfoot." Sirius leaned in for a proper kiss, but Remus took his face in his hands and pushed him back slightly. "No, wait, I just want to see for a minute, want to look at you." It always amazed him how his lover would blush furiously whenever Remus suggested these innocent gestures of scrutiny, but had no shame whatsoever during any other part of their relationship. But Sirius knew how much these kinds of moments meant to him, and they hadn’t shared one in over a decade, so he raised his closed eyes to where he knew they would meet Remus’s, and opened them.
Since they were teenagers, they had both shared an obsession with the other’s eyes. They could stare at each other for hours, one soaking in the beauty of the other, sharing a connection that neither one of them had thought possible. Of course, they rarely had had the patience for such encounters, but now they were older, and they had both been forced into a patient sort of existence – always waiting, always hoping.
Remus would swear he could get lost in Sirius’s eyes, and he could never quite describe them well enough to do them justice. He had tried once, tried writing about quicksilver and chrome and opals melting around a black core, always fluid, constantly sparkling and flowing; they were dark like summer thunderheads when he was deep in thought or deep in passion, but they could shift just as easily to a near-blue sort of color whenever he was particularly calm that reminded Remus of the fog that would sweep in from the ocean. There were different emotions imbedded in those starry depths now, mostly pain, and loss, but nonetheless, he loved staring into Sirius’s eyes, memorizing them, feeling Sirius through them. Remus would swear he could get lost in Sirius’s eyes.
Sirius would swear that Remus’s eyes kept him alive, and he could never quite catch his breath after he saw them. Even before Azkaban, they had been enough to keep him out of trouble at times, had kept him grounded; he supposed it was because they weren’t quite the muddy brown of Peter’s, they were richer, deeper, more like the chocolate Remus could never quite get enough of. There was something else too, the golden flecks and streaks that seemed to grow with the moon – they were never quite lupine, but at times, they made him seem more than human, something to be feared and loved and worshipped all at the same time. Even when he sat in his cell and would weep until he was too weak to move because he had forgotten all the parts of his lover that he used to cherish, he never forgot his eyes. Sirius would swear that Remus’s eyes kept him alive.
And there they stood in the darkened sitting room, surrounded by shadows of Sirius’s equally dark past, just staring, just seeing, just remembering. They moved as one, their breathing slowly becoming synchronized, as they memorized every small change, every beautiful flaw, everything they had missed since they had been apart – it was much more than they wanted to admit. Finally, after a glowing eternity, Remus drew a ragged breath that seemed to wake both of them from their trance, and he ran his hands up Sirius’s chest, over his shoulders, letting them settle around his neck while the arms that had remained around Remus’s waist pulled him closer. They were still hungrily staring into each other’s eyes, and they stayed thus transfixed until their lips met at last.
It wasn’t the first time they had been together since Sirius’s return from hell on earth, but the first time had been mostly frantic, fulfilling a desperate need they had kept at bay, one that could no longer be contained once they saw each other again. It was all they could do to keep from pouncing on each other when they had first reunited at the Shrieking Shack, and if Harry and his friends hadn’t been there, there was no doubt in Sirius’s mind that they would have done just that. They had managed to contain themselves until Remus had recovered from his transformation, but as soon as he Apparated in front of Grimmauld Place, they had wasted no time. The "I love you’s" had been scarce, their vocabulary had mainly consisted of "harder!" and "gods, yes!" and "fuck me, now!"
But this time, it was so different. Sirius guided them up the stairs, their lips still locked as if it was the last kiss they would ever share, a bond that was only broken when they breathlessly collapsed together on the black satin sheets of Sirius’s old bed. They undressed each other unhurriedly, taking the time to trace each patch of skin with lips or gentle fingers, remembering old scars, making mental notes to inquire about new ones, and dying a little inside upon finding ones that had been obviously self-inflicted. They writhed and moaned under touches that had been long ago forgotten, touches that were so intimate that by the time all their clothes had been removed, they were ready.
Everything seemed to move more slowly, their lovemaking was calm but passionate – any onlooker would have said it was beautiful. Sirius kept his eyes open upon his lover’s whispered request, and Remus looked up at him and into those eyes, watching the change from misty grey to shadowy grey that he so loved. As the tension increased, Remus begged him to go faster, and Sirius obliged, taking every chance he could to dip his head and shower his lover’s face with kiss after smoldering kiss. They climaxed within heartbeats of each other, both men feeling their own names cried out by the other against their lips before they collapsed in a deliciously tangled heap with the moon spilling its silvery glow across the sight.
They lay there together in the darkness, just moonlight and soft breath and two beating hearts held together by the strongest cords of love. Remus shifted slightly, reaching for his wand, but Sirius clung to him fiercely. "No! No, please don’t leave!" he cried, his voice still soft but demanding. He lay back down and made shushing sounds as he smoothed Sirius’s hair.
"I’m not going anywhere, love, don’t worry."
Sirius whimpered and snuggled into him more closely. "I don’t ever want to leave your side again. I love you, Remus, I have always loved you."
"I know, Sirius, I never stopped...I've always loved you too...even when I thought it was impossible."
They had a long way to go, there was no way to know how badly both of them had suffered or how much time it would take for them to heal each other. It would take so much trust, so much time, so much...love. Remus knew it would be hard and that they would never regain the same sweet carefree connection of their youth, but if there was a hope that he could look into those beautiful eyes – Sirius’s eyes – one morning and see only love, it would be worth it.